I will never be what I want to be.

The sad thing is that that notion no longer scares me. Each of us has something, a standard by which all other standards are set. It is most often a binary concept, a yes or no, go or no go. I would venture to say that it is unanimously, one’s happiness. Forget all of that self-delusional non-sense about putting others before yourself. The bottom line is, if we are not happy, we do not function well in society, therefore we cannot mate. We fail to pass on our genetic material, as such, we fail as living things. Although, we generally accept varied levels of happiness, the measure of lifetime success (in regards to happiness) has a stringent criterion. Either you do what makes you happy, or you don’t. When observing a pass/ fail situation, we notice this aspect; there is no option for “why”. There is also no room for “but”, or “because”. No excuses, no remarks, no comments. When confronted with the question of whether or not you meet that single requirement for doing what makes you happy, you may answer only yes or no, 1/0. As far as I’m aware, most people fall into the no/fail/0 category. The only reason everybody isn’t jumping out of windows, to their doom, is the variety in degrees of resignation.
We are raised, by nearly everything in our environment, to believe that diligence and interest in something will ensure our lot in life. We labor under the notion that we can be anything we want. Thinking this way encourages dedication and pursuit of greatness. Not only does it encourage positive traits, it’s true. There is no single thing standing in our way, there isn’t even a collection of things in our way. I often wonder why everybody isn’t working their dream job. It’s simple; the answer to the go/no go question is determined by practically infinite variables. As we travel through life, and make decisions, it would require near god-like foresight to predict an outcome. Nothing stands in our way, manufacturing an environment conducive to our goal is just incomprehensively complicated. This is where that diligence comes in, when we reach a milestone and it doesn’t match up to our expectations, it produces a fork in the road. We can choose to continue to pursue this method of goal accomplishment, or go back to the drawing board. Often it is as simple as our emotional reaction to adversity.
The presentation of an obstacle can be met, basically 1 of 3 ways. The first is anger/sadness/frustration, the second and third are both a kind of calm acceptance. For the sake of discussion, we will call the R1 and R2. R1 is a result of determination, it appears as; “this obstacle too, shall be overcome because I will not accept defeat”. R2 is far sadder; it is a result of pure resignation. It often looks like R1, with one major exception, the subject is in denial. He tells himself that he is an R1 kind of person, and he used to be. In his case, what makes him happy has changed; it is now simply, indisputably, to die trying. He has given up on accomplishing his goals, for one reason or another, and the only thing that matters to him is insisting that has hasn’t. He must lie to himself; if he does not, he has failed, and has no reason to continue in life.
Someone once said, “You never fail until you quit.” This is the mantra of our R2 person. He represents those who receive awards for participation, the honorable mentions, the “what matters is that you had fun” crowd. The sad saps and suckers who aren’t winners, but are too weak to admit they are losers. Naturally, a person should react with anger or sadness, when confronted with self disappointment. R1 is a well adjusted person of inhuman stoicism. One becomes an “R2” when he has learned not to fear failing in life.
I used to panic and get furious when I realized that I wasn’t on the planned track. Recently, I had one of those moments of internal confrontation, and realized that I wasn’t afraid. I had never truly been afraid, at least not for a very long time. It was a revelation that showed one important thing; I had already resigned myself to failure. Failure was the thing that I feared most and I couldn’t admit its’ presence. I am not giving up on life, I am taking the only alternative; strive to die trying and hope that no one notices.