New Study Reveals: Life Too Dangerous. Experts Recommend Suicide.

Be afraid, without reprieve. Run screaming through the streets (with proper safety equipment of course). Make amends, call your mother, tell that girl at work how you feel or perhaps just lie down and give up, because this may be your last chance. Don’t laugh, I’m serious, this is no joke. We are surrounded by death, danger, and calamity. Over the past 30,000 years there has been a drastic increase in dangerous events. It has been proven that as our population increases, more people die. Injuries occur on a progressively growing scale. Now, more than ever, people are being injured or killed by things which previously injured or killed less. You are going to die. Your children are going to die. I will die. And we should consider our alarming mortality as a deviation from normal existence. People are suddenly discovering threats, and they are frightened, you should be too!
As I am sure that we are similar, you and I, you are certainly asking the following questions: What are these threats? How can I protect myself and my family? Somebody is supposed to be responsible for me, right? Why aren’t they keeping me safe? What can I give them to make me less scared? Well, I’m here to tell you, “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, Society. You just leave everything to me.”
Reports suggest the occurrence of bombings, structural collapse in urban areas, diseases, geothermic activities, powerful weather phenomenon, and a host of other scary things. Also global warming. At the risk of alarming people, there are things happening everyday, around the world, that could be dangerous to you or someone else. Such as, military conflict around the world, political strife, floods, famine, commodity surplus and shortage, and death in your sleep. These are legitimate fears not to be taken lightly, and we wouldn’t let you take them lightly, even if you could. We are dedicated to making sure that you and you neighbors consider these things as seriously as you possibly can, because we can’t protect you if you’re not overwhelmed by fear. Then there are car accidents. We are at a high state of alert, so you can relax. Stingrays.
It might seem pointless, but you and your family will be less in danger if you are on edge. You should remain vigilant; there are courses of action that can be taken by you, to ensure your safety. These include; reporting anyone you don’t know personally to the police, and paying close attention to anyone who doesn’t worship your god (especially those who aren’t trying to hide their heretic ways). If you receive any mail, don’t open it unless absolutely necessary. If you must read it, open and handle it with the utmost caution, as anything with the written word on it can be dangerous. Remember to never talk to anyone, in any case, because even you are a potential threat. Buy a gun, and load it, unless that is discouraged by your local government, then you should fear guns as well.
I, for one, encourage your lack of personal accountability; it’s not your job, that’s what the government is for. You pay taxes in order for the government to keep you safe. Look at your taxes, 90% of the taxes you pay go toward the safety fund. The other 10% pays for insignificant things. I assure you, you government is working as hard as it can to make you safe. It’s doing a good job, and you should feel secure, but not too secure…be afraid. Things will get safer if you give up little things. If you aren’t doing anything dangerous, there’s no risk in telling us what you do. On second thought that seems like a lot of work, we’ll make it easier on you, let us watch you. Safety. We just want to help you. Danger. Remember, your life is threatened.
In case you couldn’t tell, this is satire. Sshhhhhh.